Creating harmony in blended families can be difficult, especially when unforeseen challenges develop. Becky, a mother with a two-year-old, requested her 19-year-old stepdaughter to babysit while she worked, but she declined. Frustrated, Becky asked that her stepdaughter contribute to the home by paying rent. This dispute escalated into an unexpected conflict, leaving Becky upset and at a loss for what to do. She sought counsel, expecting to manage this difficult circumstance.
Here is Becky’s letter
My husband’s daughter, 19, lives with us in my house. We have a 2 y.o., and we both work full-time. I asked her to babysit during the summer to reduce babysitting costs. She said, “That’s not my job!” I replied, “Then start paying me rent or leave!” My husband nodded.
The next day, I froze when I entered home. I found my child’s crib empty, and no one was home. Panicked, I called my husband. He told me he had rented a small studio and would be moving there with his daughter because I “kicked her out.” He said I could come get our baby, but he was staying with his daughter because she had no one else.
I was furious and told him that his daughter grew up to be an entitled person who thinks my house is a free hotel.
Now, it’s been a week, and my husband hasn’t come home. I don’t know what to do.
Was I wrong?
Becky
Hello Becky! Thank you for sharing your story.
We’ve prepared some tips that can help you navigate through this situation.
Communicate with empathy and set boundaries together
Instead of arguing over who is right or wrong, try to have a calm chat with your husband about why you felt obligated to seek his daughter for assistance and how her denial affected you.
Recognize his protective impulses toward his daughter while also expressing your need for assistance in managing the family. Suggest setting boundaries for his daughter’s involvement and expectations at home so that both of you feel heard and respected.
Address the root of your husband’s reaction
Your husband’s behavior appears to have been motivated by a deeper sense of guilt or protectiveness for his daughter. Instead of focusing entirely on your dissatisfaction with her, ask him why he immediately took her side. Was it because he believed she was vulnerable or alone?
Understanding his sentiments and motivations may allow you to tackle the issue with him in a way that does not feel like a direct attack on their relationship and opens the door to finding a solution that works for all three of you.
Offer a compromise to rebuild trust
Instead of taking a firm stance, provide a compromise that may bring everyone back together. For example, you may suggest that his daughter contribute in other ways, such as domestic duties or non-childcare obligations, while you and your husband look into alternative childcare options.
This would allow her to maintain her independence without feeling obligated to babysit. It may also demonstrate to your husband that you are willing to compromise to keep the family together.
Reevaluate your relationship and future needs
After a week of separation, it may be time to truly consider how your husband’s decisions are affecting your marriage and family. Consider what you need from him as a partner and how his preference for his daughter above your child and you affects the dynamic.
If he continues to ignore your worries, you should consider couples counseling or a short break-up. This may help both of you rethink your priorities, whether it’s his daughter’s entitlement, your expectations, or how you want to proceed as a family.
